The big M finally broke me - x

I actually felt something "snap" in my brain. A nasty email from my HDSM was all it took for that final straw. How kind of her to do some work on her day off (she gets those) to break me...one final push.

She sends emails about her life, but fails to see that we also have lives. I have a family, kids, hobbies, routines.  No, we don't just sit watching a computer screen 24 hours a day, waiting for a report...94 seconds here, 121 seconds there.

I've been positive for months.  Saying things like "this will pass." I got to the point where I noticed this will not pass. I filed for partial UI.  I applied for jobs.  I made tweaks to my college courses so I could find a better job quicker.  Nothing.  Nobody wants a 40-something-YO ex-transcriptionist. I stayed positive.  Something will turn up. I've worked a couple 8-hour days this past week.

And then my brain went "snap" when I read her nasty email. I feel like a zombie, sitting here with no emotion. There are no more tears. Is that what a "flat affect" feels like? Because it's oddly comforting. Nothing bothers me anymore. Of course, that also means nothing brings me joy either.  It just is.

Sit here. Watch a screen. Clock in. Clock out. Put in for NJA. Go back to bed. Wake up tomorrow, still in PJs from 3 days ago and greasy hair. I used to care if somebody came to the door. Now I don't. Nobody will come. If they do, they'll never know I'm home not answering the door. Sitting here. Watching a screen. Clock in. Clock out. Wait until I can go back to bed. Unmissed. If I ceased to exist (I'm not lucky enough for that), I wouldn't be replaced. There isn't enough work to validate replacing me. I just would stop watching a screen.

I am no longer a transcriptionist. I'm a screen watcher. Useless. Needless. Invisible.

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