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You only scored 98% on the test?? Well I can understand how they - would turn down such an ignoramus.

Posted: Dec 8th, 2017 - 9:02 am In Reply to: TTS trauma - foible

TTS recruiter: Mmmm...yass, Ms Weiner-Bunn...I see that you scored our minimum requirement of 100% on our test. We might be interested...just possibly...if you meet a few other teensie criteria. I'll just run over them with you quickly:

1. Do you believe in God? No? Excellent. We're a pretty godless bunch here at TTS.

2. Is it your highest aspiration to one day become a slave? Yes? Very good. You'll have ample opportunity at TTS - although you'll have to work your way up. You start out as a serf - no, I lie. With your 20 years of experience you'll start out as a pig-slopper, which is much better because you can snag an odd corn cob or two for the family - just don't get caught. In 30 or 40 years, God willing (I didn't say that!), you should make slave or perhaps even lead slave here on The Plantation, as we like to call our little company. Heh-heh-heh!

3. What is your body mass index? 950? Wonderful! We won't have to chain you to the floor to make sure you're available when needed.

4. Have you ever stolen a candy bar? Oh, wait. With a BMI of 950 - of course you have!! Heh-heh-heh.

5. Do you know what "SOS" means? We're famous for sending SOS messages, having difficulty hiring and keeping good slaves these days. (Everyone wants to make $12 or even $13 an hour, if you can believe that!) What was that, Ms. Weiner-Bunn? No, SOS does not mean "save our ship." In plantation lingo it sounds very much the same, but you substitute "t" for the "p" - get it? Heh-heh-heh.

What's that? Do we pay extra when people jump in to help with SOS situations, or for working evenings, nights, weekends or holidays? If that's your idea of a joke, Ms. Weiner-Bunn, you'd be advised not to repeat it within hearing of our owners. They carry switchblades to deal with jokers.

6. What is your typing speed? 200 net wpm? A bit slow, wouldn't you say, Ms. Weiner-Bunn? What the hell are you doing between words, knitting a sweater? Hanging drapes? (I'll have to get a waiver for you from The Slave Owner but she won't like it.)

7. When it comes to infants, Ms. Weiner-Bunn, do you prefer them roasted or baked? Why? Well, like most MTSOs, we distribute them to our people during MT Week as a token of appreciation, although they're becoming scarce around here for some reason. We may have to switch to toddlers next year. You wouldn't mind, I assume? True, they're a bit tougher, but on the plus side there's more meat. You don't have to decide now. I'll put you down for "baked" and you can change it later during the infant enrollment period.

8. Would you have any difficulty memorizing the Encyclopedia Britannica, Ms. Weiner-Bunn? Why do I ask? Well, our client specifics are something like that, although perhaps a bit longer, and you'll have 2 or 3 accounts to memorize. You say you'll try? You'll TRY?? We at TTS frown on "trying", Ms. Weiner-Bunn. We want DOERS, not TRYERS! Should you fail, you will receive one terse warning from QA that will fail to tell you what you did wrong, and then...well, I don't like to say what happens then, but it begins with "b" and rhymes with "soiled in foil."

9. Is it satisfactory with you to earn PTO at a rate of 3 nanoseconds per 4000 hours of work? No? In that case, I must bid you farewell, Ms. Weiner-Bunn, you slacker! You can expect a bill from us for wasting our time, and if you don't pay up the next call you get will be from a collection agency!


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