your lengthy psychology question - for the evening

Now I can't even find the words for what I want to ask. I just want to talk about how your (editorial "your") confidence level has been affected by doing transcription. When I started doing this in 1990, I sort of thought transcription was "beneath" me, or I was over-qualified, and that it was a temporary job. Then I started noticing many of my (also very qualified) older coworkers who had been in the field many years, actually wanted to try something else, but ultimately seemed convinced that "transcription is all I can do." I would try to tell them, You can do so much more, this, or that, or the other... And the reply would always be, Yeah, but... this, or that reason.

Fast forward several years. I keep doing transcription. I find myself becoming convinced that transcription is all I can do. I start talking more and more frequently about wanting to change, to do something else, but deep down find myself believing that "transcription is all I can do."

Do you think that-- like a person can grow to fit a role that's too big for them-- do you think a person can shrink to fit a role that's too small for them? Does anyone else have this feeling? I am not talking about people who love transcribing, because it is tailor-made for some people. Or people who find transcription the perfect job to suit their needs. I mean, people who feel stuck in quicksand. I have heard so many, many women (and a few men) over the years who say they "want to do something else," even when the money was good. Now, more than ever, we are losing our financial incentive to do this work. And yet, very few individuals seem to leave the field entirely.

Is there something addictive about transcription? The peaceful feeling of being alone with a computer, not having to face people, being focused on the next word, not having to make any decisions-- what to do next-- whatever's next in your queue, is what you will do next. Is that what will keep us transcribing, even as wages get lower and lower? Sometimes I feel that it is like hiding away in my own little corner. I've always worked in-house till recently, but even in the office, I would feel protected, shut in with my headphones and keyboard and monitor. No one ever bothered us transcriptionists-- "they're on production" was the phrase everyone else used, as they left us alone in our "quiet room." But what was it doing to us, what was all that solitude and being-left-alone and intense focus doing to our own confidence? Taken away from our computer, what did we have to offer to the job world? Not just what skills, but what confidence did we have to offer? What is right now so entrapping about this business that we would rather suffer through hours of NJA and crying at unintelligible dictators and fretting over paychecks, and sliding into isolated depression, and working disorienting hours, and taking another penny cut from our cpl, and fuming over trivial QA markdowns that make us doubt our competence, ... what is so entrapping that we still say (with our actions) that "I'd rather do this than anything else." -- or, "I'd rather do this, because the alternative would be--" not starving, not being homeless-- what?

Sorry for the long post. I was talking to an ex-coworker of mine tonight and maybe continuing in that vein... Asking myself all these things. Maybe it's just my problem. Maybe it's just as simple as realizing, You're a middle-aged woman having a crisis of confidence. I can't blame my job for the way I am... maybe it's a scapegoat, though. But somehow I felt better about myself when I was unemployed, two months ago, than I do now that I am working. Surely that can't be coincidence? To sum it all up: I think there is something about medical transcription that fosters low self-esteem **in susceptible individuals.** Including middle-aged women!!