especially. Both of my parents are deceased, as well as both of my DH parents. My siblings were toxic so after my parents died I ended any relationship with them.
My mom used to put like 5000 lights on the tree. She hand placed each light, didn't just wrap them around the tree. I can't do it like she did no matter how much I want to and how much I try. I have a total meltdown every year over the tree lights.
I have one son who is leaving the nest next year and this is his last Christmas at home. I have another son who wants a tree with lights and all the other traditions, so it is important this year to do those. Right now I'm here while my DSs and my DH put the lights on the tree. I will help decorate later. I feel horrible that I can't participate more, but no matter how much I want to I just can't.
We haven't bought into the commercialism this year. We save all year for Christmas and no matter how I feel about we weren't able to do enough my DC say it is the best Christmas ever. We are able to provide them with some of their wishes, though since they are older their wishes cost more, so only a couple of presents each under the tree.
I have bought stuff to make cookies/treats but haven't yet. I will do some this week, but only plan on making 2 or 3 things and I'll involve at least my youngest son and DH. My oldest is busy with school and work and dating, but he will be involved too, whether he wants to or not - LOL.
I know it is hard, but try to find something to make it special. We started a tradition a few years ago. We have an outdoor mall that is pretty wide spread and they have a tram that looks like a trolly car from San Francisco that has several stops. We go and ride it around, most of the time not even shopping, just there to ride the tram, and then we have lunch. It is nippy and the tram has Christmas music playing and we can see lots of decorations, and we have conversations with complete strangers. Money is very tight this year due to the fact I haven't had much work the last 3 months, so lunch is probably out, but we will still ride the tram.
There are lots of organizations to help those less fortunate. You could make coupons to give them to exchange for a gift when times are better. You could make them something special, maybe make each one a fleece blanket. They have many prints available and you might could find remnants large enough to work for just a couple of dollars.
The first Christmas after my mother died I laid on the floor and bawled. I'm not sure the significance of the floor. I didn't use Kleenex, I used washcloths. I was able to pull myself up and get through the holiday, but not until the last 3 or 4 days before. I spent a lot of time away from my children taking care of my parents and I don't want to take any more away from them. I want them to have good memories of the holidays, even if there wasn't much under the tree.
Check your local Freecycle for possible gifts. I give away my children's older toys on there and people are frequently asking for items. CraigsList is another place to try. Maybe just buying a plainn sweatshirt and personalizing it in some way, using paint to right their name, or sewing on appliques.
When you go to bed tonight tell yourself that tomorrow will be a better day and strive to make it so. If you don't get outside enough make an extra effort to go outside tomorrow, even if you just spend 15 minutes walking around the yard or sitting on your porch.
If you need help ask for it, whether it be for material things or asking a medical professional.
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The holidays are very hard for me, Christmas - my 2 cents
