right now. I am struggling so bad right now.
I am close to 40. Got a call last Monday night that my grandmother who raised me on and off (I was her favorite and she was my favorite :) had fallen very ill. I am a mother of 3 young children, discussed it with my husband, and it was decided that I would go and see her and I left a day later. I flew out there to see her. I was NOT ready for what happened next.
She was in the hospital - alert, but tired. She recognized me and called me her "movie star," like she always did. It was so sweet. Then she asked me with her eyes half closed, "how do you keep your skin so pretty?" I loved this woman...Wouldn't you? I don't ever get compliments and she always complimented me and I really believe she genuinely meant what she said...That night, my brother and I went back to see her and she had drastically taken a turn for the worse. She was diagnosed with COPD and had developed pneumonia about a week prior. She couldn't catch her breathe and would moan loudly in obvious pain from her compression fractures in her back. It was horrible.
The doctor on the floor was just plain rude. Basically said they were not going to do anything more for her (no antibiotics for the pneumonia) because she was a DNR/DNI. Is this common? She did get 3 Oxy Contin as she had already become addicted to them since taking them for her back pain.
I am truly frustrated in all of this because by Thursday hospice was called in and the ambulance brought her home. She stopped eating and drinking and by Saturday was unresponsive, yet still breathing on her own. I had to return last night to my family and as of tonight, she is still "hanging on," but with not having eaten since Wed., I know there is no hope (not had a drink since Fri morning) and that was just sips.
I am so completely and totally depressed! I am a Christian and she wasn't a Christian. So then there's the whole spiritual issue I have to deal with. My main concern and reason for going was to talk to her about Heaven and God and I didn't get the chance to do that since she went down hill Wednesday night and became disoriented shortly after my initial visit.
I am frustrated with the docs for not saving her life. They could have done so much more. They didn't give antibiotics. They gave her oxygen by nasal cannula, but she clearly needed the mask (like my uncle gave her when she got home as he was her nurse anyway at home). I feel they deprived her brain of oxygen. She clearly showed signs of oxygen deprivation the way she went downhill so quickly and then was disoriented up until today where she is brain dead.
Do you think I am wrong in feeling like this? She was 80 years old and very healthy and strong the past few years.
Please give me advice, console me, anything. I feel horrible over here. |
