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Well, now it's my turn to tell my story...(Beware..this is long)
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Posted By: In Trouble on 2008-06-29

Well, I just don't know where to begin.  I was 26 years old when I met and  married my husband.  It will be 14 years ago this August.  I was a platinum blond, Swedish, 26-year-old, voluptuous virgin waiting for my prince to come.  I had never dated because I was too fearful and shy.  My mother always told me that my prince was coming.  She just didn't tell me he was going to be the prince of darkness.  It has been a nightmare, although he says it has been great with only a few bumps along the way.  He is abusive in every way including verbally, mentally, emotionally, some physical although very little (not an excuse, just telling it the way it is), what I feel is sexual abuse with me but not the children, but the worst by far is his financial abuse.  He has told me many, many times, "Who do you think YOU are?  What do you think...that you're _____ is golden?  I can find a dozen more women like you."  I have three children, now ages 14, 13, and 11.  14-year-old has ADHD and oppositional defiant disorder. My husband is just like this although he has never been diagnosed and never would be because in his own words, "I am perfect just like God made me.  There is nothing wrong with me.  The problem here is you."  My credit is down the toilet.  Credit score is about 500.  His is 800.  Through the years, when the children were babies I had to feed them dry cereal with a cup of water because he wouldn't buy any milk or any groceries.  One very hot night in the summer, I had to feed them generic hot dogs and pink beans, which were some kind of bean that slithered out of the can in a gelatinous material.  The kids were were dry heaving at the table.  One day when I was about 8 months pregnant with my last child, he came up to me and said, "Well, I've made a decision."  I said what's your decision.  He said (very matter of fact), "I'm not going to pay for you anymore.  I won't help you pay your bills, I won't buy you clothes, I won't buy you anything.  If you want something, get off your f______fat a__ and get a job."  I had a 6-month-old and a 1 1/2-year-old and 8 months pregnant with the third one.  What!!  Get a job!!  Are you crazy??  He said, "Oh well."  Famous last words.  That is all I ever hear.  He has ripped out phone lines, denied us food and clothing.  We have two cars.  He used to hide the car I would drive around the neighborhood so I couldn't have access to a car.  He would even take the carseats.  One time when I was pregnant, I had no money so my girlfriend needed a babysitter a few hours a week.  She lives in Connecticut, which is about 45 minutes from my home.  She could only pay $45 a week but I would drive up there four days a week to watch those kids just to get that measly $45.  One day when I was leaving to go, I wanted $2 for an ice cream cone (I was pregnant at the time and that was my thing during that pregnancy).  I asked him for $2 and he said no.  I reached into his wallet and took $2 anyway.  So he came after me.  I took out the butcher knife but he ran outside to get to the car first so I couldn't get in.  I put away the knife and ran out the back door to try to get to the car first but he got there before me.  I reached in to try to grab the car keys out of the ignition when he rolled the window up as hard as he could.  I was screaming at the top of my lungs.  I thought he was going to break my arm.  I was able to backhand him and he unrolled the window.  A little while later I ran to the neighbors to call the police because he ripped the phone lines out.  I was there for about 15-20 minutes calling the police, family, and my friends to come and help.  When I got back to the house, he had taken both cars (hid one in the neighborhood) and went to work.  He left my 9-month-old and 1 1/2-year-old children all by themselves (and at the time I lived on a very busy street where cars would drive by at 50 mph).  When I walked in, they were sitting on the living room floor screaming at the top of their lungs.  The next morning I was in the shower and I lifted up my arms to wash my hair when out of the corner of my eye I saw something on the underside of my arm.  It was a jet black bruise about four to five inches long by about two inches wide.  It was literally jet black.  I was stunned.  When I called the police, I told them what was going on with his abuse.  I told them I was pregnant with two little ones at home.  I told them I had no food.  I told them and showed them the bruise and I told them I wanted to press assault charges.  They said, "He did that to you?"  I said yes.  I said, "I want him arrested for assault."  I told them where he worked.  They turned around and told me that because the incident happened the day before that there was nothing they would do and that they weren't going to go get him and arrest him.  They told me to just let him lie low for a while.  This happened in 1996.  We are not talking the 50s here.  This was just before they handed me a pamphlet on battered women and battered women's shelters.  The pamphlet said there does not have to be any sign of physical abuse.  If you are in a situation where you simply fear for your safety, the person can be arrested.  And I am sitting there pregnant with a huge, jet black bruise underneath my arm from where he rolled my arm up in the window.  This is just a few tidbits of the life I have had with him.  There have been some good times and good vacations but mostly bad.  We have fought so bad for years and years that I know the toll it has taken on the kids.  The guilt I have is insurmountable.  If he buys groceries, I have to pay him back.  If he pays the phone bill, I have to pay him back.  If he buys me anything or gives me a $10 or $20 bill, I have to pay him back.  Most of the time, I am not allowed to go into a store with him.  I went with him once to Wal-Mart and I put a $2 box of sweetener into the carriage.  That was it.  I am now not allowed to go into a store with him.  He screams at us that he pays the rent, therefore, it is his house and we have to learn to live the way he wants us to and we should be catering to him.  If we don't, he will take away things.  He has told me for years that he is a king and that the house is his castle and that he has allowed us to live with him because he is kind, loving, and gracious.  He will only buy one Christmas gift for his kids and no stocking stuffers or tape or wrapping paper or anything like that.  I have to do that with what I get paid to do MT work.  He doesn't buy them summer clothes, school clothes, winter clothes, NOTHING and never has.  When they were little, I would tell him that the children needed some cool clothes for summer.  He would take their little pants and cut them off and then take their turtleneck shirts and cut off the turtle neck and cut off the sleeves and say, "There you go.  There's their summer clothes."  Or he would just tell me, "Go ask your sister to buy them some clothes."  He has threatened to kill me and the children if I leave.  He has told me that he would kill me and the children before I would ever see child support.  He has a sex fettish where he wants it all the time, every day multiple times in a day if he could get it (not that he does, mind you.  I stopped that crazy crap a long time ago), and I am just supposed to stop all that I am doing and fulfill his needs (even though sex for me offers virtually nothing other than soreness, swelling, and boredom and has always been like this).  If I don't, over a few days he will get very nasty and vindictive.  I am very overweight, I smoke like a chimney, my credit is destroyed, I don't even own my own car or my home (we rent).  I have less now 14 years later than I did before I married him.  At least before I married him I had my own very nice car and some clothes.  I don't even have that.  My clothes are tattered, stained, and worn.  And...I had dreams of what my life was going to be like when I got married.  But it certainly was not a life like this.  My kids are older now and they are seeing their father for who he is.  He blames me and tells me it is all the bad stuff I am telling the children.  I keep telling him it is what they have seen for 14 years.  They beg me to divorce him.  My youngest, who is 11, was diagnosed last year with severe ulcerative colitis.  He has had a flare now for the past six weeks with at least ten bouts of diarrhea with blood every day.  He talks about depression a lot and always asking me what it is.  When I got the call last year from his pediatrician telling me to take him to the hospital for a possible blood transfusion (this was when we got his diagnosis), I almost fell on the floor from fear.  I called my husband at work to tell him he needed to come home.  He said, "I can't come home.  I have to work."  He said, "Don't you all think this is a bit overkill?"  His red blood cell count had dropped to 7.2 from a normal of 12 because of his bleeding.  He came to the hospital when he got out of work.  He showed up at 6:00 p.m.  We went outside and talked for a bit and then about 20 minutes after he showed up, he said, "Well, I have to go home to eat and shower.  I'm tired."  When I got angry, he said" Hey, I'm tired.  I need to rest.  Besides, there's nothing I can do here and it looks like they've got everything under control."  We still didn't know what was wrong with him.  I didn't know if it was cancer or what it was.  I was scared to death.  But he had to go home to eat and shower and rest!!!!  I think that was the beginning of the end for me.  I once read something on these boards that someone posted saying "Marriage is not supposed to be a good deal for one and misery for the other."  That is what my life has been.  My marriage was a great deal for him...kids that he never has to pay for (I mean nothing...not school projects and believe me there are a ton of them, not clothes, not shoes, notebooks, backpacks, nothing), free sex, and a wife that he doesn't have to take care of or pay for.  I believe in my soul that my marriage was a good business deal for him.  If you knew my husband, you would laugh at that statement because he is extremely uneducated and talks like a mentally retarded person.  People in the past have actually asked me if he was mentally retarded.  He thinks that if my son would drink lots and lots of water, that that will cure his ulcerative colitis and makes fun of me and insults me and everyone else.  I tell him he is a moron and he doesn't know what he is talking about.  His abusive mother made them drink nothing but water.  She would not buy them anything or strive for a better life.  They lived in a nightmare life.  So now he gets very angry when we won't drink tons of water to "cure" everything.  He tells us that he is trying to show us how to "live right" but we just won't listen.  He tells this to other people too including our landlord.  He has the most disgusting habits.  He picks scabs and eats them, he has eczema and psoriasis so he is one huge flake, which he enjoys picking off chunks and dropping them in a pile on the floor, he passes unbearable gas (like every two or three minutes that has such a horrid stench it makes all of us nauseous) and then flips out if we spray a room spray.  He will actually grab the can and scream that this is his house and we are all just disgusting to live with and just impossible to live with.  He just had a fight with my 12-year-old daughter tonight because he was passing tons and tons of gas and she sprayed a room spray.  He got up in her face screaming at the top of his lungs at 11:00 at night that this is his house.  He will pass gas all he wants and that he won't tolerate room spray being sprayed and then called her a god d___n bitch.  She was crying and begging me to divorce him.  She kept saying," You said it would be better for the family if you stayed married to him but it's not better.  It won't ever be better!"  Well, I could go on and on.  It has been 14 years of this but I think you get the picture.  I have no money.  I don't even own my own car.  I have a son who is going to need ongoing frequent medical care and I am afraid he will cancel the insurance if I do anything to get rid of him.  I have a great fear for our safety.  He has major problems with having to give up his money so to have to pay child support will send him over the edge.  He is a pathological liar so you can't believe anything he says even when he says he won't show up to court (which would be a dream come true).  He told me, "I would never allow anyone to judge me like that.  You can tell the judge to kiss my balls."  He seems to expect the absolute highest standards from the children and I but he doesn't have to live up to anything, virtually nothing.  Never has and never will but will shove it down my throat when he doesn't get what he wants from me.  Well, any advice.  I really am looking for legal advice for anyone else who has been through this.  I know I need to get rid of him...for the kids sake.  They need to see that life is not like this and not all men do this and that you don't tolerate abuse in any way, shape, or form.  My daughter, who just turned 13, says to me she hates men with a passion.  I told my niece that I felt like I was dying.  I never, never, never, never leave my house except to go to Dunkin Donuts up the street to get a coffee.  I haven't been out of my house for more than 3 hours in probably ten years.  And that is three hours probably once every two months.  I am lonely, isolated, and ragingly angry.  I want to go back to school but when I talk about that, he poo poos it saying I should go back in five or ten years or 15 years when my bills are paid and I can afford it.  HELLO?????  I am going to be 43 in October.  Maybe I should just wait to go back to school until I'm retired.  Well you get the picture.  If you've been through this and have any legal advice or any other advice, I would appreciate it.  By the way, when I bring up any of his abuse to him, he tells me "I don't remember any of that."  Funny, he always remembers every time I swear at him though.  Has never forgotten a single time.


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