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and from what you wrote, you aren't giving him opportunities to have some control.
My 4 yo has had this type of behavior since the age of 2-1/2, but I've figured out how to deal with it. First of all, he wants your attention, good, bad, indifferent and wants some say so in what happens to him.
I've done several things. With the screaming, I totally ignore her. I tell her my ears are closed and I can't hear her, but if she wants to cry/scream, she can't do it in MY living room (bedroom, whatever), only in HER bedroom. If she refuses to stay in her room, I take away her favorite snuggly and put it on the top of something, out of reach but visible. She can have it back when she stays in her room and stops being loud. If she keeps coming out, I put another coveted stuff up out of reach, over and over until she realizes I mean she has to stay in her room. I don't tell her she has to stop her fit or crying...she just can't do it in MY space. She can come back to where I am if she is quiet.
I make sure she knows I am in control, but we negotiate almost everything. If I want her to drink milk for breakfast and she wants juice, I tell her okay but she has to drink the milk at lunch. That gives her a sense of control and having a say in what is happening to her.
I have also had to sit on her bed for HOURS, holding her by wrapping my arms around her while she screams and kicks and bites until she begs to be let go. I won't let go until the out of control stuff stops. I don't talk except to say "I'll let you go when you are quiet." It is exhausting, but it only took a few times for her to understand I would invest the time and she hated being held like that for so long.
When I work at home, I make sure I take a break about every 90 mins and spend about 30 mins with her. It takes me all day to get my work done, but it makes all the difference in the world.
If she won't pick up something (say, blocks) after being asked upteen times, I tell her I will give them away to a child who wants to take care of them. It only took losing one set of blocks for her to get the idea she HAS to clean up her messes.
Finally, after being potty trained for at least a month and then rebelling and making messes in her pants for a week in a row (this happened 3 times), I finally told her in a very loud voice that _I_ had control over whether or not she went trick or treating and whether or not Santa comes to our house. If she wanted to have those things, she better use the potty and no more messes. She has been dry since the beginning of October and I give her a treat every day she stays dry.
One day a couple of weeks ago, she wanted to go to Mickie Dee's, but as we drove up she started shouting about wanting to go inside. I wanted to drive through. We were in the drive through line and I calmly told her sometimes people get mad and yell at someone else, but maybe it was an accident...I asked if she wanted to tell me sorry for yelling at me or did she want to go home. She shook her head "no" to apologizing. I repeated my offer and again got "no." I drove off towards home which immediately threw her into tears and whining, but now she doesn't yell at me anymore if she wants something.
Since October we have far fewer melt downs and I have realized she actually shows me her triggers...If she is angry and grumpy on the way home from somewhere, I hand her an energy bar to munch and suddenly I have a sunshine child again. If she gets grumpy in the middle of the day and refuses to take a nap, I tell her we will lie down on my bed. We start out talking and before too long, I tell her I am tired and want to close my eyes, but not go to sleep. Pretty soon, she will close her eyes and fall asleep. I can then get back up and go about my business.
Before somebody starts bashing me, I have a close friend who is a child psychologist and she helped me with all these suggestions. It takes a lot of work to maintain the appearance of control while giving the child the opportunity of having some say so in his/her life. |
he is feeling out of control and he wants control - raising my granddaughter
