First of all...I want to say what happened was not intentional and in fact I am quite ashamed. I do not condone extramarital affairs in any way. I have been cheated on and I know what it does to a family.
I met this man via the internet last year while searching for information regarding my brother and his death in the VN war. I ended up getting in contact with a handful of my brother's platoon commrades and went through the grieving process of finding out about their ambush, how many were killed, who was injured, etc.
One of the men in particular I bonded with and I did not set out to do this. It started out as casual chats about my brother and ended up going into everything under the sun. I had no idea he was married. He talked about his ex-wife a few times and their past issues, but no mention of a current wife.
We chat primarily by email and some on the phone. He would have me call him at his office. I did call him at home once, but he was waiting for my call. I started to feel a lot for him, I think like a close brother at first as I was looking to fill the shoes of my deceased brother maybe..I don't know. I did the Google thing on him and of course I found him. He is rather important in his community and profession and has been in the media. I googled his number and found it was under a woman's name. The next time I called him I jokingly asked..."So how's your wife?" and he replied..."What about my wife?" My heart sunk. I would ask about her and he would only respond with "She's a good woman." Within about a week's time he asked me to stop emailing him at home and that I could email his office email or call him there. He said his wife was giving him funny looks about the emails. None of the emails were naughty or anything like that...actually casual, etc. I just felt like our friendship had to be a secret or something.
Getting to the point...we have not met in person, but I am so in love with him. He treats me wonderfully, cares about me, makes me very happy and I have not felt this way about anyone in a very long time. I am a single mom. I was not looking to fall for him but I have. He is 20 years my senior but that does not matter to me. He has said had we met 10 years ago he would have snatched me up. I believe his marriage is rocky, as he stated there had been some tension, but he never goes into detail and I don't push him. We continue to talk every week for lengthy periods of time...yes he is at work and does work, but I cannot reveal his employment. He has spoken of meeting in the future and that is that. He knows how I feel about him and he does not say that he loves me, but I am sure he cares about me to the extent that he can and still be faithful.
The problem is that our friendship will end as soon as he retires in early 2008, as I will have no way of communicating with him anymore. I can email him at home as long as it is VN-related. He has become such an important part of my life that I think about him all of the time and pray that some day he will be single so that he can be with me. I am content with just a friendship because we are long-distance. What I am devastated about is that the "light of my life" will be gone once he has retired. I have told him this and he responds by saying, "you are strong...you will make it." The problem is that I don't think I am strong enough. I really need his friendship. I cannot explain to you without going on and on about what our conversations are like, but we laugh all the time and share common interests and there are some really eerie coincidences. I believe my brother brought him into my life for a reason. Since he has been in my life, it has been the best year ever and I have evolved into a better person.
What do I do to keep our friendship? What do I do to keep contact with him? I truly do not think I will be able to get along without him. He is a strength to me like I have never had. I am so depressed because I do not want to lose him. I know I seem crazy and immoral, but really I am not. I am really confused. I let down my guard with him. I have no regrets other than I wish he were single.
Help me..don't judge me..anyone else go through something like this and if so how did you survive it? I respect your opinions. Thank you. |
