brooke borton
MI
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I wouldn't call my position as a current SAHM terribly difficult. My toddler, while quite rowdy and misbehaved some days, is fairly content to entertain herself while I do housework. My newborn is a quiet one. My house is small and cleans rather quickly. There is a place for mostly everything, so there's not much clutter aside from my daughter's toys which migrate from her room to every other room in the house. I have to do laundry at my mother in law's because we don't have a washer/dryer, so my kids get to visit with their nana and papa while I wash the clothes. We have a fenced-in yard and there is a park two steps from my house so I don't have to pack the kids in the car to take them someplace to play. Some days I finish the housework so fast that I'm bored unless I'm creative and can find something for me and my toddler to do together (which is what I should be doing anyway).
However, I do absolutely everything around my home, including on the weekends. My husband seems to think that because he works outside the home, he shouldn't have to lift a finger to help me, ever, and when I ask him to help, he gets mouthy. If I don't clean something enough, or I leave something out that he thinks should have been put away, he gets mouthy. I'm not allowed any errors whatsoever and he's not nice about it. I do the cooking, the vacuuming, the dishes, the mopping, the sweeping, the laundry, the bathroom. I'm the one who puts out holiday decorations (including our tree and the lights outside), I shovel the driveway and sidewalks when it snows, I do most of the caretaking of the kids. On weekends, he sleeps while I do all this. We do grocery shopping together if we can wait til the weekend to do it (he gets home late weeknights), otherwise he does it himself but I make the grocery list. As soon as he gets home from work, he gets on the computer and either works some more or plays video games. So I've resorted to losing myself in internet searching as soon as the kids are in bed. I'm planning for retirement and life insurance... he couldn't care less and considers these "just another bill". I take the girls to their wellness appointments. I change out the garbages. I keep up the garage and the yard. I check the mail.
He puts our toddler to bed most nights because I'm nursing our newborn, but since he works late often I've been able to practice putting her to bed quickly enough so my newborn doesn't interrupt us by crying. He takes the garbage to the curb (most of the time). He's put the dishes away a handful of times. If I ask to go somewhere for some time alone, he'll watch our toddler for an hour or two (I don't ask for this often, but maybe I should?).
He spends whatever he wants on computer games and fast food... I get nothing to spend on myself or the kids unless it's an absolute necessity.
When I worked part time and was pregnant, I did everything. When I gave birth, he was forced to learn how to put our toddler to bed, so that's why he does that now. I try to sleep in but I can't with a toddler loose in the house and a hungry newborn. I'm feeling pretty run-down and lethargic lately, cooped up and lonely, insignificant and like I can't get anywhere. I'm about to start MT training and of course will still be expected to do everything around the house without any help and without any forgiveness should I miss something. I'm worried that even once I start working full time and the kids are in daycare, he's not going to lift a finger to help me out -- I'll have even less time after work to do all the chores on top of caring for the kids. I'm not looking forward to the arguments that will ensue if I fail to do the dishes one day or let the livingroom get a little cluttered.
He's not an absolute monster about any of this, but his words are knives and the eggshells I've been walking on are starting to draw blood. When I see something out of place, my first thought is "I better take care of that quick before he sees it" as opposed to "hey look there's something out of place, let's put it back". one time when I was pregnant and started a valid argument with him about another topic, he resorted to pointing out my lack of housekeeping skills (which had nothing to do with the subject) in order to throw me off and upset me. I want to contribute to our household because we've been living off his income alone since January, but I feel that even working full time won't make him appreciate what I do for our children and our household. I am not ungrateful that he is our only income currently, but the only reason for this is because I just gave birth. Had I not done that, I would still be working right now, but there would still be an inequality in our relationship, and I don't know how much more I can take before I just shut down and shut him out completely. Any confrontation about how I feel leads to a shouting match and finger-pointing, so I just don't say anything at all. We just got married in October and I already see it going downhill if this continues.
Any advice? How can I put it to him that I'm his wife and the mother of his children, not his 24-hour maid? That even though I'm not working, I still deserve respect and time to myself and a little money to spend on what I want? That when I am working, we need to split the chores because it's not just my house, it's his too? Or should I just repeat this whole last paragraph? |
