Dear Doctor (a rant): - Backwoods Typist Posted: Aug 26th, 2015 - 1:36 am
Dear Doctor:
It has come to my attention that you have forgotten a few things, so I am writing this as a reminder. Please pay attention because I am down to my last nerve and am close to telling you to shove it where the sun does not shine.
First, when you dictate your reports, please remember there is a live person (me) on the other end of that line. I cannot, and will not, guess at what your incessant murmuring is supposed to be. Please keep in mind that what you are dictating is part of a patient's permanent medical record. Their life is literally hanging on the words coming out of your mouth. Speaking of which, good sir or madam, please take your lunch out of your trap and talk. I take absolutely no pleasure in hearing you chew, smack your mouth, swallow hard or any similar sounds. It shows poor taste on your end, and grosses me out. You wonder why I have lost weight? Well, you guessed it! Also, it takes time for you to masticate your meal, which means you are wasting my time! This brings to mind also for me to remind you to have your thoughts together BEFORE you dictate. You took 45 minutes yesterday to dictate what was essentially a 10 minute report. Again, you are WASTING my time!
It has also come to my attention that you think I am clairvoyant of sorts and "just know" where you want me to go back and correct. I will have you know that if I were lucky enough to have that gift, I would not be working this job and would definitely be a lot richer! Please make yourself clear so I will not have to hear you incessantly -itch about how I cannot get your reports right.
You may have MD on your name, but you are still human and make mistakes. You confuse left/right, give wrong medication dosages, and have even gone so far as to give wrong anatomy for a patient's sex. I catch those, which means I have to pretty much have the same knowledge as you. The only exception is I don't have to touch patients. So instead of being disrespectful and calling me a typist (as I incidentally heard you tell the receptionist last week), please pay me the respect I deserve. After all, I have saved your a-s many times over. However, the idea has come to mind to not do that and let you suffer the consequences. Get back to me on that one.
Also, please make sure you speak clearly into the phone, and for goodness sake, get the h-ll off that cellphone. You sound like you are in a barrell and I think I will go postal the next time you dictate using the speakerphone. You may have spent a physician's salary on that phone, but the audio quality on my end is subpar, which is why you had so many blanks of late. Your cellphone reception cuts out, in turn cutting out large chunks of your reports. I'm sorry, but only you can fix that problem. This also reminds me, please, for the LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, find a QUIET place to do your reports. This is self-explanitory. By the way, that beeper you have, I will shove it down your throat the next time it busts my eardrums.
Next, let's talk about your manners. Were you not taught any? Keep in mind I hear everything you do. If you must cough or sneeze, please turn away and excuse yourself. Have to go to the bathroom? Press pause, dear. Better yet, go first then dictate. I really do not want to hear you pee, flush then walk out without washing your hands (gross!). Also, talk about the game or whatever with your buddies later. Again, when you do this, you are wasting my time and delaying your report.
Lastly, a reminder to make sure you hang up the phone when finished. What I heard at the end of a report yesterday turned my face red....and I have heard a lot of nasty things in my lifetime.
I apologize for my foul mood, but my backside is sore from sitting (since your reports just HAD to be done before you left for the day) and I am so tired of giving a crap. It has been a long week. Now it is time for me to go home, grab a bottle with a slice of lime in the top, and not give a d-mn until Monday. Have a good weekend.
Sincerely,
Ms. Behavin
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